Something Something Metlife, Something Something Complete

Okay by now you probably know what's coming here...

Did you not look at a calendar today? It's May the Fourth. Star Wars Day. So, as dictated by JetsFix tradition, we're going to write about that instead...

STAR WARS

EPISODE XI½

THE WRIST OF SKYWALKER

BABY YODA has fallen into a deep sleep at the worst possible time and our heroes, having found themselves alive millions of years into the future, need to find a JEDI.

Peace has reigned for generations, but an ominous threat looms. The SITH REMNANTS are regrouping after an unsuccessful attack, led by former Resistance general FINN, who - it turns out - was an android this whole time. With no BABY YODA to protect them, the community could be decimated, leaving nobody to stop EMPEROR PALPATINE next time he somehow returns.

MAZ KANATA and SHAVED CHEWBACCA have reunited with ROSE TICO on present day EARTH in hopes of recovering a power source for an ancient artefact called the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION, which could be their last hope of finding a JEDI to protect them...

[DEEP SPACE is empty. A golden dome slowly appears into view from the top of the screen moving downwards until an EXTREME CLOSE-UP of C-3PO's head comes into focus. The camera pans out to reveal a floating C-3PO being straddled by SHAVED CHEWBACCA and then white streaks fill the screen as they disappear into hyperspace, followed immediately by NEW-THREEPIO, ridden by MAZ KANATA and SOUPED-UP ARTOO with ROSE TICO as his passenger.]

[They ride together in a hyperspace line alongside one another surrounded by the familiar blue swirling light.]

ROSE: [Wearing a space helmet retrieved from one of the dead alien marauders from a few episodes ago] Just coming up on AHCH-TO in three clicks.

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

MAZ: Oh, so NOW you're going to talk about your feelings?

ROSE: It'll be fine, Chewie. We find the power source, fire up the amulet, bring back REY and maybe some other JEDI and then we can repel the next attack from FINN and the SITH REMNANTS.

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

MAZ: Don't worry, the SITH REMNANTS and Finn have to navigate a forest and climb a mountain to get back to BABY YODA and our family. We should have plenty of time to get back as long as we don't get delayed by some kind of unnecessary distraction or forced to go on another side-quest.

ROSE: Preparing to drop out of hyperspace now.

[The first two droids drop out of hyperspace in orbit around AHCH-TO, then C-3PO also drops out of hyperspace but spirals wildly out of control, careening past the others]

C-3PO: Ohhhhhwaaaahhhh

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

C-3PO: ARTOO! SAVE ME!

[A mechanical arm extends from SOUPED-UP ARTOO and calmly grabs C-3PO's ankle to stop him from spinning away.]

C-3PO: Oh ARTOO! Thank you! I'll never get used to these portable hyperspace units.

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: [scratching himself] RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

MAZ: What's wrong Chewie?

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: [still scratching himself] RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

C-3PO: It appears Chewbacca's hair has started to grow back and he's now covered from head to toe in itchy stubble.

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

MAZ: It does make you look ... rugged though.

ROSE: Let's get down to the planet's surface and find the mechanical hand that we need to activate the artefact.

[They fly across the water to find the only land mass on the planet, climbing the steps to the top until they locate the simple shack that used to belong to LUKE SKYWALKER.]

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

MAZ: Well, it has to be here somewhere. We know Luke was here when he became one with the force due to being too tired.

ROSE: REY was telling me there's an underground mirror cave with a connection to the dark side of the force. MAZ, you're attuned to the force, right? So you go down to the mirror cave and then go on some kind of spiritual journey that stops the plot dead but ends in some kind of existential epiphany and then we can apply this new-found knowledge to acquire the location of the hand.

C-3PO: That's not a bad idea, but in light of the fact we are short on time, might I suggest we use Artoo's scanners to determine the location of the hand?

ROSE: Or I suppose we could do that.

SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep

MAZ: He says it's up there on that ledge!

ROSE: You'd think with all the upgrades he's had over the past million years, they'd have figured out it would be much easier to fit ARTOO with a voicebox that spoke Basic.

SOUPED-UP ARTOO: [Jar-Jar Binks voice] Meesa already have that.

ROSE: ARTOO, that's great but, ummm, why are you speaking like...that?

SOUPED-UP ARTOO: [Darth Vader voice] YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF MY MOST RECENT UPGRADE PACKAGE.

NEW-THREEPIO: As you can probably tell, Mistress Maz, Artoo's voice box is malfunctioning.

SOUPED-UP ARTOO: [Jabba The Hutt voice] Dobrah chuba koochoo.

ROSE: Never mind, go back to the beeping, ARTOO.

[Back on TAK-TOK, the home planet of BABY YODA, we see members of the GROGU-KANATA clan, aka the offspring of MAZ and BABY YODA using QUADNOCS to locate the proximity of the approaching SITH REMNANTS. An orange creature with big ears and deep black eyes, GOBBUL, is talking to a green creature with long black braids and thick goggles called FROYO]

GOBBUL: Making its way through the forest, the SITH REMNANT group is.

FROYO: Added to their numbers, they have. Five of them now, there are.

[Another creature steps out of the cave with a backwards hat, designer shades, white tank top and surfer shorts. His skin is a patchwork mixture of orange and green and he has one giant ear and one tiny one]

NEW ORANGE/GREEN CHARACTER: Heeeey. 'Sup dudes, relax. Crush it, we will.

FROYO: Always so overconfident, you are, young Bro-gu.

BRO-GU: Chill out, brah.

[In the distance, trees fall as FINN paces ominously behind the two Sith Warriors he was with before, plus two new ones who have the full Emperor's guard outfits on. The Sith hack away at vegetation and trees to clear a path. Suddenly, a boar-like creature with a second head coming out of the middle of his back leaps from a hedge and lands in front of FINN. They both scream and then FINN ignites and swings his lightsaber to send the two heads flying in different directions.]

[Back on AHCH-TO, ROSE helps MAZ up onto the ledge where LUKE SKYWALKER died. A glint of light reflects off an item on the ground.]

ROSE: [Pointing] There it is - Luke's mechanical hand.

NEW-THREEPIO: I shall retrieve it.

[NEW-THREEPIO walks over to the item but then a giant furry creature charges out of the cave and sends him flying over the edge with a violent swing of his giant claws. NEW-THREEPIO crashes down onto the ground well below and smashes into pieces.]

C-3PO: OH MY!

ROSE: Get back, everyone! It's a WAMPA...I think.

[As they back towards the cave they hear a "Glaaaaaah" sound and dozens of sets of eyes are illuminated within the cave. They turn towards the sound and SOUPED-UP ARTOO activates his torch to reveal a large family of PORGS. Suddenly, the large figure slowly turns back towards the group.]

MAZ: That's no WAMPA.

C-3PO: It's a space station! No, wait...

ROSE: It's ... a giant PORG.

GIANT PORG: GLAH! GLAH! Yes, I am the PORG EMPEROR! GLAH!

C-3PO: Oh my! What an unnecessary distraction.

MAZ: So you're in charge of an evil galactic empire with designs on ruling the galaxy?

PORG EMPEROR: No, of course not. GLAH! GLAH! I'm just, like, a big porg. Like an emperor penguin or an emperor sea-lion. GLAH! GLAH! GLAH!

C-3PO: Of course. Over a period of millions of years, a species could easily evolve to learn how to speak.

ROSE: And to grow to a much bigger size?

C-3PO: Well, in order for that to happen...

PORG EMPEROR: [starts crying hysterically] Okay, FINE, I admit it. One of my ancestors mated with one of those walrus things that shoots green milk out of its nipples. GLAH! It's a source of much shame for my family. GLAH! GLAH!

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

PORG EMPEROR: [wipes his eyes with a wing and blinks] GLAH! I can't believe it. It's ... YOU!

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

PORG EMPEROR: There's a cave painting of you in the CAVE OF MIRRORS. GLAH! You were furrier then, but it's definitely you. Porgs are unexpectedly accurate artists. GLAH! GLAH! Some Porg travellers came back and told us about their adventures with a JEDI they called GLAH! And her furry friend called GLAH! [They embrace.]

MAZ: So, you can see, we are good people. Can we take the mechanical hand from your island?

PORG EMPEROR: GLAH!

C-3PO: As I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, I can confirm that this means yes.

ROSE: I won't ask you what their word for "no" is.

[She retrieves the hand.]

MAZ: [Brandishing the amulet] Pass me the hand.

ROSE: Here you go. [She tosses it over.]

[MAZ puts the hand into the hand shaped slot of the amulet, which lights up, flickers and then goes dead]

MAZ: Uh-oh.

ROSE: Uh-oh?

MAZ: Unfortunately, the power source's power source is missing.

ROSE: Great, so we have to go on another side-quest.

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

ROSE: Uh-oh.

MAZ: Uh-oh?

ROSE: We have another problem.

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

PORG EMPEROR: GLAH!

ROSE: Chewie is so stubbly that his fur is acting like velcro and the fur of the PORG EMPORER is acting like the corresponding velcro. They embraced so enthusiastically that they're now completely stuck together and the more they struggle, the more tightly they are locked together.

MAZ: Well, we have to get back to TAK-TOK. Looks like you're coming with us...what's your name again?

PORG EMPEROR: GLAH!

MAZ: Okay GLAH, strap yourself and Chewie to a droid. We're going to TAK-TOK!

ROSE: [gestures to the pile of golden debris down below] Uh, we're a a droid short here.

MAZ: ...

ROSE: Oh, no way, don't do this MAZ.

MAZ: ...

ROSE: MAZ, you are NOT leaving me here on this planet on my own.

[They leave ROSE on the planet on her own.]

MAZ: We will come back for you, ROSE.

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! GLAH!

[ROSE stares out into the distance, out at a BINARY SUNSET, as the droids and their passengers shoot off into hyperspace across her field of vision].

Finn.

Thanks for indulging our obsession. Your regularly scheduled JetsFix programming will return tomorrow...