Rescuing the franchise...again

Every franchise needs a savior. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Not for the Jets, though. Yes, it's that time again...

Did you not look at a calendar today? It's May the Fourth. Star Wars Day. So, as dictated by JetsFix tradition, we're going to write about that instead...

STAR WARS

EPISODE XII½

THE BATTLE OF TAK-TOK

Millions of years after the FIRST ORDER was destroyed, BABY YODA remains in deep hibernation, leaving the planet TAK-TOK and its inhabitants, the GROGU-KANATA CLAN, vulnerable as the SITH REMNANTS prepare to launch a counter attack. The remnants, led by FINN, who is still around after all these years because he was an android all along, pose the greatest threat to the galaxy since the EMPEROR PALPATINE's most recent return.

Having succeeded in their mission to locate a power source for the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION, but failed to locate a power source for the power source, a group of heroes led by MAZ KANATA races back to TAK-TOK hoping to find a way to save the day.

With ROSE TICO left behind on AHCH TO, STUBBLY CHEWBACCA tangled up with GLAH, the PORG EMPEROR, and REY now at one with the living force, the galaxy is running out of people who can potentially come to the rescue...

[DEEP SPACE is empty, but the camera pans down to a fast rotating while/silver spherical object. We follow as it accelerates towards a green planet, then starts to burn up as it enters the atmosphere, the background changes from pitch black to daylight and the object continues to accelerate until it careens into an eyeball]

ROSE: Owwwww! [She grabs her eye] What was that?

[Obi-Wan Kenobi voice]: Hello there!

ROSE: [Looks around and can't see anyone?] H-hello? Who's there.

[Poe Dameron voice]: BB-8, my buddy!

ROSE: Poe? Poe, is that you? Where is your voice coming from? (She continues to look around).

[Rey voice]: BB-8, hold on!

ROSE: BB-8? Huh? What? Oh, wait... [She picks up a small metal sphere the size of a pebble between her thumb and forefinger].

[Jar Jar Binks voice]: Meesa so happy to see you!

ROSE: BB-8? Is this really you? Wait, I suppose if you've been rolling around for the past few million years, you would ultimately have worn down to this size. And I guess you have the same malfunctioning voice box that Artoo had in the last episode.

[George Lucas voice]: It's like poetry, they rhyme.

ROSE: Uh, I don't really understand that reference but it sounds like you're trying to justify re-using the same joke again. Anyway, never mind that, why are you here?

[Emperor Palpatine voice]: Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.

ROSE: You're here for a specific reason. BABY YODA had to have foreseen all of this and told you that we needed you here? Of course! The power source for the power source is a tiny sphere. We can use YOU to power up the amulet and revive BABY YODA. But...they're gone.

[TINY BB-8 lets out a sad beep].

ROSE: Hey, you're not so much BB-8, as BB-LATE!

BB-8: ...

ROSE: I mean, I...

BB-8: ...

ROSE: I was only...

[We cut to our other heroes as they fly across the surface of TAK-TOK. MAZ KANATA is riding on the back of SOUPED-UP ARTOO, while C-3PO is still carrying a still-velcroed together STUBBLY CHEWBACCA and EMPEROR GLAH].

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

PORG EMPEROR: I have a GLAH feeling about this. GLAH! GLAH!

MAZ: That's good, right?

PORG EMPEROR: GLAH.

MAZ: Oh.

[They land on the platform in front of the sleeping BABY YODA and are met by three of MAZ and BABY YODA's offspring: GOBBUL, FROYO AND BRO-GU].

FROYO: Still in hibernation, he is.

GOBBUL: Be here soon, the SITH REMNANTS will be.

[He gestures down at FINN and his four SITH disciples as they make their way up the mountain through the thick vegetation]

MAZ: Without the power source for the power source for the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION we have no hope of waking up BABY YODA.

[She holds up the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION and points to the back, where there is a small, circular hole]

FROYO: A little metal sphere, the power source is? Has one of those with him all the time, our father does! Obsessed with it, he is!

MAZ: Oh no, I told him to stop fiddling with that damn thing and took it off him. Now I can't remember what I did with it.

PORG EMPEROR: Well, where did you last have it? GLAH!

MAZ: You're not helping.

[FINN and the SITH DISCIPLES climb over a ridge and stand menacingly in the distance]

C-3PO: Oh my! We're done for!

PORG EMPEROR: Don't you have any warriors on this planet? GLAH! GLAH!

MAZ: Well, most of our kids are extremely strong with the force but decided to go into stuff like podcasting or house-flipping. [She looks over at a sheepish FROYO and GOBBUL]. One of my sons, YOGA, could have been a great JEDI but he's a bit of a hippy so he spends all day in the forest with his air-pods in and his com-link on silent.

[CUT TO THE FOREST WHERE A GREEN YODA-LIKE CREATURE WITH MAZ-ESQUE GOGGLES SITS SERENELY ON A FLOATING ROCK, MEDITATING]

YOGA: Owwwwwww! (He grabs his eye).

[TINY BB-8 drops into his lap and a beam of light projects an image of ROSE TICO into the air]

ROSE: I am ROSE TICO and I...um, well I am...Actually, it doesn't matter who I am. As a matter of urgency, you must get this tiny BB-8 unit to MAZ KANATA because she needs it to revive BABY YODA so he can save the planet. I didn't know the exact coordinates, so I told him to fly to TAK-TOK and he had time to record this message for whoever he meets...but apparently NOT to help me repair NEW-THREEPIO and get back to my friends. Okay, fine, I'm sure that's not important right now. Um, please help us...

YOGA: Sorry, I am. Hear any of that, I could not. My airpods still in, I have.

[He takes them out and TINY BB-8 starts to project the message again].

[On top of the mountain, FINN walks menacingly towards the group with his disciples behind him]

FINN: I've had enough of JEDI. Nothing can stop me from destroying GROGU and putting an end to generations of JEDI rule.

GOBBUL: GROGU?

FROYO: Maybe he means old BABY YODA (formerly known as GROGU).

[BRO-GU recklessly picks up the lightsaber from next to the sleeping BABY YODA and charges at FINN]

BRO-GU: Guess again, brah!

[The four SITH DISCIPLES simultaneous raise their right hands and lift BRO-GU off the ground in a force choke. FINN hacks him to pieces like a piñata].

MAZ: BRO-GU!

C-3PO: Oh no!

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

PORG EMPEROR: Well, at least he was kind of an annoying character. GLAH!

FINN: Step aside, MAZ. Your boyfriend isn't going to wake up this time.

[A voice comes from behind them].

YOGA: So sure of yourself, you are. Hmmm?

[YOGA still sits serenely on the rock, which floats slowly towards them until he is in the middle of the four SITH WARRIORS. Then, after a deep breath, he throws off his cloak and jumps off the rock and into the air at which point we see that he has long, spindly limbs. He unsheathes three lightsabers, one of which he holds in his foot as he stands on one leg and engages all four of the SITH WARRIORS with dazzling speed. As he repels all their attacks, he gradually takes them out one-by-one until just one remains and he swings across with all three sabers at once to slice the final warrior into four].

FINN: I...I don't believe it.

YOGA: Look I so long to young eyes?

FINN: I only just got these guys' action figures.

YOGA: When stretch daily for hundreds of thousands of years you do, look a lot longer, your limbs will.

[He removes TINY BB-8 from a pouch and levitates him above the palm of his hand, then uses THE FORCE to push him towards MAZ, who continues to hold the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION. The droid slots perfectly into the socket and the amulet begins to light up, then shoots a thick ray of purple light into the nostrils of BABY YODA, who starts to stir]

MAZ: It's over, FINN. You can't do this alone.

[FINN defiantly continues to brandish his lightsaber at YOGA, but then looks like he's about to surrender. Then a voice comes from behind them].

MYSTERIOUS DISTORTED VOICE: But what if he's NOT alone?

[A figure with their face obscured by a black cloak and gold armor appears on the edge of the ridge and immediately summons and catches FINN's lightsaber, decapitating YOGA. His head flops lifelessly to the floor]

MAZ: YOGA! No!

C-3PO: Oh my!

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

PORG EMPEROR: No way! He was actually quite a cool character! GLAH!

[The mysterious figure uses THE FORCE to pull FINN towards them and immediately grabs him, takes off and flies away]

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: We will be back. And we will DESTROY you. Together!

[They shoot off and disappear into hyperspace]

C-3PO: We're doomed.

SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep

C-3PO: What? Are you sure, Artoo? I think your circuits are playing up again.

MAZ: I can't remember whether or not I'm one of the characters that can understand him, so can you tell us what he said?

C-3PO: Artoo's scanners say that BB-8 is the power source that has reactivated the amulet.

BB-8: Beeeeeep Woo

C-3PO: You look different. Have you lost weight?

GOBBUL: Waking up, BABY YODA is.

FROYO: Very groggy, he appears to be.

MAZ: Heh, Groggy. That was my nickname for him when we first got together.

[BABY YODA yawns, sending a rumbling through the forest, then sits up].

BABY YODA: GROGGY? NAME I HAVEN'T HEARD IN A LONG TIME, NOW THERE IS.

MAZ: Pardon?

BABY YODA: WAIT, GOT THIS, I HAVE...GROGGY? IN A LONG TIME HAVEN'T I HEARD NOW NAME THERE IS.

MAZ: Let's get you to bed.

BABY YODA: TRY AGAIN, I WILL. GROGGY? SOMETHING I HAVEN'T HEARD IN A LONG TIME, THAT NAME IS.

MAZ: Ooh well done. But I think we have more important things to worry about.

FROYO: Like?

MAZ: Who WAS that mysterious figure?

Finn.

Thanks for indulging our obsession. Your regularly scheduled JetsFix programming will return tomorrow...

Previously:

STAR WARS EPISODE VIII½ - THE FORCE ISOLATIONS

STAR WARS EPISODE IX½ - THE LAST SHUT-EYE

STAR WARS EPISODE X½ - THE AMULET OF REINVIGORATION

STAR WARS EPISODE XI½ - THE WRIST OF SKYWALKER