May the Sauce be reviewed?

Sure thing. We'll have an in-depth scouting report on Ahmad Gardner in the next few days.

But we're not here to talk about the Jets.

Did you not look at a calendar today? It's May the Fourth. Star Wars Day. So, as dictated by JetsFix tradition, we're going to write about that instead...

STAR WARS
EPISODE X½
THE AMULET OF REINVIGORATION

Millions of years have passed since the NEW REPUBLIC ERA. Nevertheless, some of our heroes are still alive due to a CARBON CLONING MISHAP. However, REY SKYWALKER is now at one with the force having become too tired.

With little more to live for, C-3PO and a fully-shaved CHEWBACCA are returning to their galaxy along with R2-D2 and a replacement C-3PO so that the WOOKIEE can challenge the still-living, 75-foot tall, ruler of the galaxy BABY YODA for the hand of his ex-girlfriend MAZ KANATA.

Oh, and everyone completely forgot about ROSE TICO who finds herself stranded on MODERN DAY EARTH after having recovered the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION from the SPIRITUAL REALM...

[DEEP SPACE is empty. Stars and silence fill the sky, reflecting the peace that now permeates the galaxy. A large blue-green planet dominates the sky-scape as two objects appear from HYPERSPACE. It's SOUPED-UP ARTOO with C-3PO strapped to his back and NEW-THREEPIO with SHAVED CHEWBACCA IN A SPACE SUIT strapped to him.]

SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
NEW-THREEPIO: I have a bad feeling about this
C-3PO: Oh my.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep

[Back on EARTH, a confused ROSE looks around, throws her hands up in exasperation and then, as she opens her mouth to speak, we cut away]

[The two flying droids are approaching the surface of the planet. In the distance they can see a massive statue of a JEDI coming into focus atop a tall mountain]

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: That's no statue...it's a space station.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: Oh you're right, it's not a space station either, it's ...

[A voice booms out across the sky...]

BOOMING VOICE: HMMMM...SEE SOMETHING INTERESTING, YOUNG THREEPIO HAS?
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: My, haven't you grown?
BABY YODA: GROWN, I HAVE. MORE BEAUTIFUL HAVE I GROWN, YOU MEAN? (He chuckles, which sends a rumbling through the valley)

[They land on top of the mountain, looking up at the towering green figure]

NEW-THREEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down.
BABY YODA: NEED YOU ANY MORE, I DO NOT.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: Master Chewbacca would like to know where...
BABY YODA: UNDERSTAND HIM I DO. GOOD RELATIONS WITH THE WOOKIEES I HAVE.

[A small figure steps out from a nearby shack]

MAZ KANATA: CHEWBACC...oh my god what did you do with all your fur? Are those...do you have like 26 nipples?
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: I'm sorry Chewie. I told you, I'm in love with BABY YODA now. The Chewie I knew died millions of years ago because they dropped a moon on him...or perhaps some other way, I can't remember.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: That's right, his real name is GROGU but he's always been BABY YODA to me and our...family.

[She gestures back towards the shack, where several other green and orange figures of various shapes and sizes are watching the scene unfold]

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: (Looks up at the towering JEDI and then down at the diminutive MAZ) I must admit, I am curious as to this too.
MAZ: There are still some KAMINOAN SCIENTISTS around. And those guys are versatile.
BABY YODA: SENSE A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE, I DO.

[Suddenly, a fog ascends and the ground starts to freeze. When the fog clears, three figures approach led by a figure in a dark cloak striding purposefully with two red figures resembling the (currently) dead EMPEROR'S ROYAL GUARDS either side of him. The figure removes his cloak and the hood to reveal a black leather warrior's outfit with red accents, and ignites a RED LIGHTSABER. A distorted voice comes from his extremely marketable black/red helmet].

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: WHERE IS REY?
BABY YODA: DARTH SORRIBOL. EXPECTING YOUR VISIT, I HAVE BEEN.
DARTH SORRIBOL: NO. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. WE HAVE BEEN IN EXILE FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT.
BABY YODA: MEDITATED ON THIS, I HAVE.
DARTH SORRIBOL: I AM NOT SCARED OF YOU GROGU. YOU ABANDONED THE NEW REPUBLIC DURING THE FIRST ORDER ERA AND YOU WON'T STOP ME NOW.
BABY YODA: SUCCEED IN THIS MATTER, YOU WILL NOT.
C-3PO: If I may interject, Master Sith Lord, I'm afraid Mistress Rey is...no longer with us.
DARTH SORRIBOL: THREEPIO. I KNOW THIS IS NOT TRUE. WE INTERCEPTED A TRANSMISSION A FEW MONTHS AGO.
C-3PO: He knows my name! Oh, my!
DARTH SORRIBOL: YOUR REY IS MY LAST CHANCE. I TRIED TO TELL MY REY BUT SHE NEVER GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY. THEN SHE JUST WENT OFF TO TRAIN JEDIS. ALWAYS...JEDIS. [He points his LIGHTSABER up at BABY YODA menacingly]
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
DARTH SORRIBOL: WHAT?!?!
C-3PO: I'm afraid it's true. Rey passed on to the living force earlier today. Although we did send Rose to...oh my, we forgot all about Rose!
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
DARTH SORRIBOL: ROSE...(He removes his helmet to reveal a solemn but familiar face)
C-3PO: It can't be!
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: No, that's not FINN. He'd be millions of years old and long since perished by now.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: The only possible explanation is that this is one of FINN's ancestors. But that's hundreds of thousands of generations ago. He'd have to be his Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great...

[MAZ turns C-3PO off via a switch on his neck]

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: You're welcome. Although we are kind of running out of people who can actually drive such a complicated narrative.
FINN: Can you guys stop all this? I've been waiting so long for my big moment and you're ruining it.
MAZ: Explain yourself.
FINN: I was never human. I'm an android. Part of a secret-Stormtrooper program where they stripped out our minds and replaced them with android parts that would keep us alive long after a human would have died. And I found this out and tried to tell REY but she wouldn't listen.
MAZ: (Adjusts her goggles) Finn, I understand you are angry after all this time, but you had a conscience. You were a hero of the New Republic.
FINN: NO! I finally found someone who would listen and HE told me the truth. A scientist called GALEN ERSO got involved in the project and added secret programming to the ANDROID-TROOPERS, fooling them into thinking they had good morals and a desire to do good. That was never the real me. You never got to know the real me.
MAZ: But if you're an android, then you can't be a Sith Lord.
FINN: I am not...but THEY are.

[The EMPEROR'S ROYAL GUARDS each remove their helmets and cloaks to reveal two PUREBLOOD SITHS with red skin and yellow eyes. One is female with long blue hair but the other is hairless and muscular. Their staffs ignite from both ends to create a DOUBLE-ENDED LIGHTSABERS which they spin as they leap 50 feet into the air at BABY YODA]

BABY YODA: HMMMM

[He closes his eyes and summons a LIGHTSABER, which he catches daintily between his thumb and forefinger and effortlessly waves it around to deflect all of the SITH LORD'S attacks]

BABY YODA: ENOUGH OF THIS, HAVE I HAD.

[He extends his palm and uses the FORCE to PUSH the SITH LORDS and FINN off the mountain, landing the three of them into a nearby forest]

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
BABY YODA: BE BACK THEY WILL...AND IN GREATER NUMBERS.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: He can also flip a somersault, although the last time he did that the resulting avalanche killed many Bothans. Unfortunately, we may have a bigger problem...

[BABY YODA LET OUT A BIG YAWN AND THEN CURLS UP INTO A BALL TO FALL ASLEEP]

MAZ: Unfortunately, every time he uses the force, BABY YODA falls asleep. It's the only reason he's managed to live so long. He can't die from being tired now like most JEDI do.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: It could be ages. That's why he missed the entire sequel trilogy. Last time it happened it lasted over 400 PARSECS.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: I don't care if that's a unit of distance!
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: Let's turn C-3PO back on. He might have an idea of what to do.

[MAZ presses the switch on C-3PO's neck]

C-3PO: ...Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great...

[MAZ presses the switch again]

MAZ: Artoo, please tell me you downloaded an earlier version of Threepio's memory banks while you were in hyperspace.
SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep.

[R2-D2 attaches his extension lead to C-3PO's neck and he switches on again and looks at BABY YODA's curled up, sleeping body.]

C-3PO: Oh my! Is that a space station?
MAZ: Threepio, we urgently need to wake a hibernating JEDI.
C-3PO: Master MAZ! I haven't seen you since...
MAZ: Please, Threepio...
C-3PO: According to my database, there is an ancient JEDI ARTEFACT called the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: Yes, I suppose we could have just got the same information from Artoo.

Suddenly, a colorful swirly object appears right next to them. It's a PORTAL to the SPIRITUAL REALM. A cloaked figure steps out from the portal and removes her hood.

MAZ: I know you! You're AHSOKA TANO. Didn't you die millions of years ago?
AHSOKA: We did this in the last episode.
MAZ: Okay, so why are you here?
AHSOKA: The item you seek has already been obtained by your friend ROSE.
C-3PO: OHHH! We forgot about Rose!
MAZ: (Facepalms). Strap yourself to a droid, CHEWIE, we're going to EARTH.

[Rose is still sitting in the park, looking bored and inspecting the metal amulet. She looks up.]

MAZ: ROSE TICO!
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
ROSE: Oh, you FINALLY remembered I existed? Thank you SO much. I'm SOOOO grateful.
C-3PO: Mistress ROSE how can you ever forgive me? Oh, my circuits, I should be melted down for scrap.
MAZ: Cut them some slack. These guys were attacked by some alien marauders.
ROSE: Okay I did wonder why there were charred alien marauder remains all around me. BUT STILL..
MAZ: There's been an important development. I'll catch you up soon...but do you have the amulet?
ROSE: Yes, here.

[She hands over the item, which is a metal chain attached to a chunky metal disc with a hole in the middle, engraved with a JEDI INSIGNIA and ancient runes.]

MAZ: OK now we have another problem.
ROSE: What's wrong now?
MAZ: The power source is missing. We need to slot it into the hole there and it will light up and activate.
ROSE: So where do we find the power source?
MAZ: The amulet was created by BABY YODA and MASTER LUKE SKYWALKER at an old JEDI TEMPLE many generations ago. They held some kind of ceremony inside a FORCE TREE to concentrate enough FORCE ENERGY within this artefact to wake a hibernating JEDI or return a JEDI from the SPIRITUAL REALM. The power source was a metal item, shaped like a hand.
SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep.
C-3PO: ARTOO is right! Master Skywalker had a mechanical hand. That must be the power source.
ROSE: Well he must have died millions of years ago.
SOUPED-UP ARTOO: Beep boop beep.
C-3PO: ARTOO has a map to where he was when he died. It's a remote area where nobody ever goes so his hand must still be there.
MAZ: Strap yourself to a droid, CHEWIE, we're going to AHCH-TO!
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: I thought I needed a catchphrase. Do you like it?
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
MAZ: Suit yourself. Let's go and find the WRIST OF SKYWALKER!

Finn.

Thanks for indulging our obsession. Your regularly scheduled JetsFix programming will return tomorrow...