Could La'Mical Perine end up getting released?

Dunno. Let's wait and see.

But we're not here to talk about the Jets.

Did you not look at a calendar today? It's May the Fourth. Star Wars Day. So, as dictated by JetsFix tradition, we're going to write about that instead...

STAR WARS
EPISODE IX½
THE LAST SHUT-EYE

Everyone is gone. The battle between the DARK SIDE and the JEDI was settled millions of years ago. However, some cruel twist of fate, four heroes of the resistance ended up stranded on present-day EARTH, leading the fight against the Coronavirus pandemic.

While the galaxy they once called home now enjoys peace and prosperity thanks to the most powerful Jedi who ever lived, our heroes find themselves on a front line of a very different war.

Nevertheless, under the leadership of the powerful Jedi REY, it's a war that is being won...

[We join a confused and panicked DR. REY in the middle of a surgical procedure as she wipes the sweat away from her forehead with the back of her right arm]

REY: Metal miniature, um, sharp thingy
NURSE TYRONE: You mean...a scalpel?
REY: Right, scalpel.

Tyrone hands her the instrument and she hesitates before making an incision. This releases a jet of blood which sprays all over her face and scrubs, as she vainly tries to block the spray with her hands.

NURSE KATHY: Is everything okay, Doctor Rey? We were led to believe you were the best.
REY: I'm fine. It's...fine.

She manages to find the source of the bleed which she suppresses with her thumb, but in doing so, her feet give way in a pool of blood and she stumbles into the apparatus table knocking medical equipment all over the floor.

Opposite the entrance to the surgical ward, Receptionist ROSE TICO is sitting at her desk. She winces as she hears more equipment crashing to the ground.

ROSE TICO: I have a bad feeling about this.

Then, a moment of silence and a blood-soaked REY crashes through the door, removing her surgical gloves.

REY: He'll make a full recovery. Fetch a hospital porter to move the patient to the recovery bay.

A completely-shaved CHEWBACCA arrives on the scene in a hospital porter's uniform and backs out of the room with the patient sleeping peacefully on his bed, heading off to recovery.

NURSE KATHY: That was the smoothest operation I've ever witnessed.
NURSE TYRONE: You are a really good surgeon.
REY: That's the end of my shift. Come on, ROSE, let's get out of here.

We cut to our heroes, now sitting on a bench outside the hospital.

REY: I just don't understand what happened. I've been reading my medical journals and textbooks, but I don't seem to be getting any better at actually performing the surgery. Becoming a Jedi was much easier - I just skimmed through the SACRED TEXTS a few times and was a fully-fledged JEDI within a movie and a half.
ROSE: Well, you saved the patient in the end, didn't you?
REY: Sure, but only by using THE FORCE to completely heal the patient and then waving my hand and saying "I am a really good surgeon and this was the smoothest operation you've ever witnessed" to my nurses.
ROSE: Things were much easier back home. All medical interventions were performed by floating ball droids.
REY: Where's BB-8 when you need him?
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
ROSE: At the least the patient survived.
REY: Yes, but at what cost? Having to use THE FORCE every time is extremely draining. I just get...so...sleepy.

Rey lies back on the bench, then COMPLETELY VANISHES.

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
ROSE: What...where did she go?
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
ROSE: (Into her comlink) Threepio, you'd better get here fast.

C-3PO arrives on the scene, waddling towards them in a decidedly not-fast fashion.

C-3PO: Oh, my!
ROSE: REY was right here...and then she was gone.
C-3PO: I'm afraid this is something I've seen before with MASTER KENOBI. When a JEDI gets too tired, they just disappear and are at one with the COSMIC FORCE.
ROSE: So REY is gone forever?
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
ROSE: Never mind that, how are we going to pay our rent? Rey was on a surgeon's salary. You can't afford to rent a place in NEW YORK CITY on a receptionist's salary and a hospital porter's salary.
C-3PO: If I may, ROSE, perhaps I could suggest that I work more hours.
ROSE: Threepio, your "job" is to stand completely still in TIME SQUARE, occasionally moving to freak out tourists. You bring in about five bucks a day.
C-3PO: I actually made $8.50 today.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
ROSE: No, I don't think you'll earn much if you get a job as a Gary Busey lookalike, either.

Suddenly, a colorful swirly object appears right next to them. It's a PORTAL to the SPIRITUAL REALM. A cloaked figure steps out from the portal and removes her hood.

ROSE: I know you! You're AHSOKA TANO. Didn't you die millions of years ago?
AHSOKA: I exist within the spiritual realm. Time does not pass here.
ROSE: Can you tell us what happened to REY?
AHSOKA: You were right. She's now at one with the force. However, I am now the guardian of the SPIRITUAL REALM and I'm here to tell you that it IS possible to return from here.
ROSE: So we could bring REY back?
AHSOKA: Not just REY. You can bring back OBI-WAN, YODA, LEIA and even LUKE SKYWALKER.
ROSE: But what use would they be to us here?
AHSOKA: As I said, time does not pass here. They were return to the point at which they were lost. Essentially history would be rewritten. I'd imagine the war would still be won, albeit with a more spectacular and satisfactory conclusion this time.
ROSE: How can I bring her back?
AHSOKA: You must come with me...

ROSE disappears into the portal with AHSOKA, leaving C-3PO and SHAVED CHEWBACCA sitting on the bench.

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
C-3PO: To be honest, I'm less concerned about our rent than I am about who would protect us if we were suddenly to be attacked by ALIEN MARAUDERS or something.

Just then, a gang of ALIEN MARAUDERS appear on the scene and surround C-3PO and SHAVED CHEWBACCA.

C-3PO: Oh, my! We're doomed!
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

C-3PO's datapad suddenly sparks into life and starts beeping frantically.

C-3PO: The sensors are detecting a small object coming out of hyperspace!

Within seconds a volley of red laser fire descends on the group. C-3PO and SHAVED CHEWBACCA duck for cover and as the smoke starts to clear, we see that the marauders have been taken out. We then hear a familiar beeping sound.

C-3PO: Artoo? Can it be?

The smoke clears, revealing a souped-up R2D2, the product of millions of years of technological advancements and upgrades.

C-3PO: Artoo! It is you! It is you! You're alive!
R2D2: Beep boop beep
C-3PO: Okay, not alive, but they kept you online this whole time?
R2D2: Beep boop beep
C-3PO: All droids have portable hyperspace drives attached these days? But how did you know to come and save me?
R2D2: Beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop beep
C-3PO: Oh, that explains everything.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

C-3PO's datapad once again starts beeping frantically.

C-3PO: Another object is coming out of hyperspace! We're in DANGER.
R2D2: Beep boop beep
C-3PO: What do you mean, you did say "every droid"?

The "object" ascends slowly to the ground via a jetpack. It's an gold-plated protocol droid. He stands opposite C-3PO next to a police van and they point at each other.

New C-3PO: I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations.
Old C-3PO: No, I think you'll find I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations.
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
New C-3PO: The Wookiee wants to know if we can get him back home.
Old C-3PO: I know, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication.
New C-3PO: Is that all? I am fluent in seven million. We had a software upgrade 500,000 years ago.
Old C-3PO: Oh, my.
New C-3PO: To be fair, it wasn't all that good. I can't receive or send picture messages any more.
Old C-3PO: Well, can you?
New C-3PO: Can we what?
Old C-3PO: Get CHEWBACCA home? I expect he wants to reunite with his girlfriend, MAZ, and challenge her new boyfriend for her hand.
R2D2: Beep boop beep
SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
Old C-3PO: But what about me?
New C-3PO: What about you?
Old C-3PO: You're right. Just leave me here. I'm of no use to anyone.
R2D2: Beep boop beep
Old C-3PO: Really? Oh, Artoo! I've never knew you felt this way.

Old C-3PO straps himself to R2D2 and SHAVED CHEWBACCA puts on a space-suit and straps himself to New C-3PO. They lift into the air on their jetpacks and then shoot off into hyperspace to head home.

Just after they disappear into hyperspace, the portal re-opens and ROSE re-appears holding the AMULET OF REINVIGORATION.

ROSE: Guys? I have everything I need to bring back REY. Guys? Guys?

Finn.

Thanks for indulging our obsession. Stay safe, get the vaccine and look after everyone who needs it. Your regularly scheduled JetsFix programming will return tomorrow...